Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [100 of 128]

  • Mulani: "You don't get it. They bring his mail. But they won't bring our mail." Me: "Why, Mulani, I think you might be jealous."
  • "Jealous? I'm not jealous." Me: "I think you're wondering why they need an excuse to come flirt with one of your boys." Mulani scowls.
  • Me: "Everybody knows secretaries think Vishnu is a delicacy. Even Katie Starburn can't keep her hand off his plate."
  • Mulani's scowl worsens. I'm copied on a corporate email battle.
  • Mulani has it in for a secretary known for her sack-time shenanigans with the Prez.
  • The secretary, Gertrude Ring, has an office twice the size of Mulani's open-air cubicle. Ring's income? She has a new BMW 335d Sedan.
  • In the Supply Cabinet War it's a battle of wits, a meaningless string of emails. Because we're mortals, I won't transcribe.
  • I don't understand these passive aggressive corporate emails that go on and on. I'd rather Milt were back giving a speech. Scratch that.
  • Second floor items are stolen, more emails sent, office workers stall in diplomatic tactics to not resupply. I imagine Mulani in khakis.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [99 of 128]

  • Thirty-one.
  • Latrice, one of the downstairs secretaries, holds a calendar to her chest. "Has anyone seen Vishnu? I just think he's so cute," she says.
  • Me: "Uh oh. He's got fans." Mike: "He is rather cute." Secretaries make Vishnu's hands sweat so much his fingers slip off the keyboard.
  • Me: "Just go out with one of them, Vish." Vishnu: "You don't understand. We're not of the same mental zipcode."
  • Sometimes I wonder where Vishnu has gone when not at his desk. He doesn’t wander the halls. He’s not inside the vending machine.
  • I wonder if he's somewhere, keyboard in hand, tapping away, solving the Web mysteries of Buildicon with the sparkling lights of his mind.
  • Reality: He’s probably hiding from the likes of Latrice and other Vishnu groupies. Pretty soon I hear Mulani angry and talking loud.
  • Mulani: "Not only have they gypped us at the supply cabinet. Now they're not bringing us our mail. Yet they brought Vishnu a calendar!"
  • Me: "Well, she does have a crush on him. Why be mad? Was the calendar the wrong color? Was it missing a swimsuit model?"

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [98 of 128]

  • Me: "But I don't have any markers at all, grippers or otherwise." Ken: "But you know Joan was a heavy influence. She was your force."
  • He's gone Star Wars on me. I imagine his head bobbing in Yoda's big pot of Dagobah soup--his nose keeping the rest of his noggin' afloat.
  • Joan is no Yoda. But she’ll have his head in a stew if she finds out he’s talking about her like this. I call her.
  • Joan is furious: "He said what??" Me: "He said you're a ringleader and our department is run horribly. Something about the Force."
  • Joan: "Tell me he didn't go Star Wars." Me: "He was clearly locked in an epic struggle between circus adjectives and Episode V references."
  • Her voice shudders on the phone: "Well his goddam nose looks like Jabba the Hut." I have to agree come to think about it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [97 of 128]

  • I stare at his red lumpy schnoz that has veins like wolf spider legs. Where these noses come from I have no idea.
  • His nose looks like it has been soaked in pale ale for a month. "I have a problem with you and your ringleader, Joan," he says.
  • Me: "Ringleader? Did she perform a circus crime? She was fired." Where has this guy been? I sniff for signs of alcohol. He blows his nose.
  • "When she was here she got you all hating our markers and Post-Its. I have no purchase orders for your marketing items in the past month.
  • "Yet our reports on marketing expenditures are off the chart. I'm tired of this Joan character. She's a bad name," he says and sniffles.
  • Me: "She was fired. Why do you want to talk to me?" I imagine Kira de Frito's birthmark above Ken Grippo's huge nose. His eyes cross.
  • Ken: "I'm talking to you because you're part of the problem." Me: "Me?" Ken: "You're in the marketing department, aren't you?"

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [96 of 128]

  • While Mike and I attend a hockey game we have a Katie Starburns sighting. She's in the aisles with a beer in each hand, not watching game.
  • Mike: "I can see her talking from here." Me: "She could talk through a nuclear war." Mike: "I'm imagining radiated implants."
  • The boards shake as a skater is crushed by a player named Rosebush. It's the most aggressive hit I ever witness. Mike drops his beer.
  • Suddenly we're yelling, slapping high fives and cheering. I'm glad I'm not being scraped off the ice.
  • The crushed skater limps off the rink. Interdepartment corporate war begins: 5-foot-tall secretary slacks off on supply cabinet.
  • No pencils, Post-Its or gripper pens. Mulani Fumes "I can't believe the poor quality of our highlighters," she grimaces.
  • I'm caught in the foray. I want to hoist a pirate flag. Mulani: "You should see tech support's double-wide Post-Its and
  • two-hundred-dollar paper shredder. I think ours still has a hand crank."
  • I’m called into a meeting by Ken Grippo, Buildicon’s generic office manager. He’s a rather skinny W.C. Fields in a fading suit.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [95 of 128]

  • "Well I am feeling a bit interesting today," Katie says. Me: "Still striking out at the home front?" Katie: "Oh for shame!
  • "I don't call it striking out. My man happens to be very busy. He works late. He's tired. I just happen to never be tired." Katie winks.
  • Me: "Oh, I don't doubt you there." Katie: "You know, that Mulani. She's trouble." Me: "I don't doubt that. So are you."
  • Katie: "I am not! I should spank you for making such a suggestion. I will say that I am more of a woman than you will ever know. Unless..."
  • Me: "Unless what?" Great, now I'm acting powerless. I just snapped onto her bait without even thinking. Now she might double her efforts.
  • Katie: "Unless you make a decision. Think about what you can have. I'm voluptuous, tantalizing, energetic. And I'm orally fixated.
  • "You think you’re going to have anything like that with that little girl, Mulani? That little tramp has nothing to offer.
  • "You should really think about inviting me over." Me: "Invite you over?" Katie: "For a few drinks." I'm panicking: "A few drinks??"

Friday, November 19, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [94 of 128]

  • Thirty.
  • "The Wicked Witch of Buildicon is dead," Katie Starburn whispers into my ear. It's early in the morning. She never liked Milt Butterlink.
  • Katie in a sheer blouse shows more cleavage than Kira de Frito could ever muster in one of her super supreme pineapple push-up bras.
  • She wonders out loud: "I bet he's twiddling his thumbs and pondering a quick end to crunchy peanut butter."
  • Katie runs her fingers along the inside edge of her blouse to taunt me with her bosoms. I forget what I was going to say.
  • "I heard Mike spotted him in a donut shop looking disheveled in a pair of dirty jeans. Milt was staring into outer space," I stammer.
  • "Wasn't all there?" Katie laughs. She never liked Milt. In fact, she hated everything about him and is now overjoyed. She bounces. I watch.
  • "We all know he was a bit spacey," I say, thinking about planets. Katie: "A bit?" She walks closer, turns, rubs her bottom along my arm.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [93 of 128]

  • Buildicon is compelling me to do more work. Somehow, I’ve earned a raise. I shake hands with the Prez and the interim marketing manager.
  • Both say I am doing a good job by tricking me with corporate lingo: "You could do a lot better. We're expecting big things from you..."
  • "Team play, team this, team that, team team team..." It never makes much sense other than I know I deserve more money.
  • But now I make $36,000 a year to design/copywrite ads about wireless gadgets that look like little metal boxes with holes in them.
  • They don’t flash much. They don’t bleep or make R2D2 sounds. They can’t follow you down a corridor or even help pilot an X-Wing.
  • They link to robot arms that build, smash, count, squirt, fry, bake—and I think—smash lemons into lemon juice.
  • No one really knows all the functionality, especially the sales force. They sit around concocting fancy schematics.
  • The sales guys then present customers with the idea they need forty $2,000 gizmos to run their communications network protocol blah blah.
  • In other words: they just sell gadgets by the bucket loads. I suppose I do make it all more interesting and marketable. Sex sells.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [92 of 128]

  • "Kira, I don't understand your email," I say outside her cubicle. "Could you explain to me again what you need?"
  • Kira: "I need this. This thing. It's the Brazil need. But this thing's not American product begins to sell brochures for oil and gas logos.
  • "I am an advertisement special through Latin American sales. I love working with Latin Americans and really like negligees
  • for home dances." At least that's what I think Kira says. I blame Mulani. I'm cross-eyed. And I refuse to acknowledge Kira as she blabs.
  • I go sit down. Kira de Frito dancing. Kira de Frito singing. Kira de Frito looking like a grin with boobs.
  • I stuff her projects at the bottom of my stack. As Kira drops off another project I say: "I'll be sure to get to these."
  • As she walks away I add: "Sometime next year." "What was that?" Kira asks, suddenly returning. She leans close.
  • The mole on her forehead is about to attack. I'm about to panic. "Oh!" Kira starts crying and walks quickly out of sight.
  • Mike: "No wonder she has no mental capacity to handle you. You give her no ground."

Monday, November 15, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [91 of 128]

  • Twenty-Nine.
  • Mike: "Do you love her?" Me: "What the hell are you talking about?" We're watching ice hockey.
  • A player gets boarded. His stick breaks. "Mulani," Mike says. "All this moping around.
  • You keep talking about weird dreams and the two of you won't look at each other half the time.”
  • "And that means love?" I say. Mike is working on his second beer. "Just admit it," he says. Me: "I'm not admitting anything."
  • There's something in thinking about a girl when you're at a hockey game.
  • You see a dazzling hip check and suddenly love is less frightening. Turk Grinn is the interim marketing manager.
  • He's dashing in all the right Texan ways. Except for his hiccups. You want to Tivo those out.
  • His first order of business is to consider hiring Joan back. He says he is going to make a decision and announce at an upcoming meeting.
  • Kira de Frito soon starts disappearing into his office. Me: "What do you think she's doing?" Mike: "One can't predict de Frito."
  • She’s already mentally unstable and now she has started emailing me project requests that make no sense whatsoever.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [90 of 128]

  • Twenty-Eight.
  • The interim marketing manager is a golfing buddy of the Prez with a hiccupy heave that makes his stomach seem to jump in his chest.
  • A Texan, in his "no BS" manner, he hiccups and says to the marketing group: "First of all, y'all make too much noise.” Mike squirms.
  • "I declare this cubicle zone a no music zone. It will also be free of talk, free of mindless chatter, and most of all, free of laughter.
  • "Now, whenever I'm around and you're talkin' to me, you are in a free speech zone, unless you start laughing.
  • "Let me remind you that workers in general make too much noise. Am I clear? Because I want positive production.
  • "I don't want no half-assed, slippin' around on two left feet doin' nuthin' but scratching paws on carpet. Follow?" Everyone nods.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [89 of 128]

  • The faces of our uncreative corporate audience are mostly disgusted during the two-and-a-half minutes of film. Mulani giggles.
  • Mike and I realize we have won a minor creative corporate battle in our own rodent-like cubicles of Buildicon Enterprises. Kira storms out.
  • "Not all artwork is ever respected," Mike says watching Kira and two others flee the cubicle. "It just wouldn't feel right to be loved.
  • Suddenly I imagine Milt Butterlink dressed as a franken-squirrel pimping our movie on Sunset and Vine. I feel like a freakin' superstar.
  • There are epiphanies to be had in the office. Realizing Kira de Frita's boobs are fake is not one of them. Unless you're in tech support.
  • The meaning of life is wrapped in workplace realizations.
  • My heart beats fast simply trying to understand the complexities of copy machines.
  • Epiphany breeds ads. "Sleek. Robust. Sexy Data." Girl in hard hat puckers to Ethernet wireless. All after spying Mulani eat cup of noodle.
  • I'm destined for enlightenment after realizing the secretary ordered stationary with company logo upside-down. Wisdom: "Not my problem."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [88 of 128]

  • "The beast dances and everything," Mike says. "It moves its hips like a squirrelly Elvis. Check it out." He sets a camera on the desk.
  • He's right. The squirrel doesn't just dance but plays annoying music while swiveling its hips. I'm suddenly caught up in the malaise.
  • Me: “You know the office digital camera takes fifteen second movie clips.” Mike: “You don’t say? I get full credit as director.”
  • In our newfound freedom from work boredom and magazine ad creation we have completed a short film titled "A Rodent Affair." It's PG-13.
  • The film stars two squirrels who fall in and out of love in a matter of two and a half minutes. The dialogue is French; English subtitles.
  • Mike posts the movie online and we opt for a 9 a.m. world premiere. Even Kira de Frito shows up. "I do so love the novellas," she says.
  • Kira is dashing in her inability to grasp Hollywood. "I like Jamie Dupp, Harrison Fork and Rene Shellfishsugar," she says.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [87 of 128]

  • Twenty-Seven.
  • This is the moment where dreams melt down. Reality is no cartoon. Bagworms don't walk and talk. Beds are places for cold sweats.
  • In the middle of the night I'm thinking about the office. I can barely remember the dream. I have cubicle-inspired anxiety. I see faces.
  • I fix coffee, toast. I turn on late night TV. Bela Lugosi looks half dead. I switch to the History Channel. WW2 footage, canned explosions.
  • I try to remember the old man, the farmer. Instead I feel three days behind in creating ad jargon for wireless industrial data streamers.
  • He has already lost interest in the demise of Milt Butterlink. Boredom has set in. This is corporate boredom at its worst.
  • He places a stuffed squirrel on his desk that looks like a flower child. Me: "What's that?" Mike: "It plays music."
  • I'm a bit annoyed, because on my shelf of endless fast-food toys I have a stuffed squirrel too. Mulani gave it to me. It doesn't dance.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [86 of 128]

Eyed by the cat on the roof, the bagworm, along with her quiet bug friends, went into the farmhouse.
  • They crawled up the wooden legs of the table and stepped onto its crumb-covered surface. Strangely, the farmer took no notice of them.
  • Upon closer examination, Mrs. Bigmoth could see a pincher bug on his shoulder, whispering into the farmer’s ear.
  • "What's this?" Asked the farmer. "A bagworm with an umbrella, blue bugs, a strange snail and walking sticks? What do you want with me?"
  • The bagworm stood tall, right on the farmer's newspaper. "I'm sorry," she said. "But there is a grumpy-faced pincher bug by your ear."
  • "Yes, I'm blind. So what? He was reading me the morning paper. What is it you want?"
  • The bagworm stood taller than ever. "An end to the booms," she said. "It's disturbing the forest and knocking baby bagworms out of bed."

Monday, November 1, 2010

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [85 of 128]

  • The bugs didn't say a word. The forest was alive with stinkbugs, fungus spores, lady-bug-covered trees and fat aphids soaking in nectar.
  • She "Harrumphed" and kept walking until it was 10:09, when she stood on the edge of cornfields that stood like rows of towers.
  • "That's the place," said a curious old snail. A contraption on his back poorly mopped his slimy trail as he slithered.
  • Suddenly it was 10:10. Loud booms filled the cornfields. The bagworm fell over. When she jumped up,
  • far away she saw the top of a farmhouse. The farmhouse was a cobb structure built of mud and grass bricks.
  • A puff of smoke went up from a crooked chimney. A cat slept on the roof. Next to the farmhouse stood an old barn.
  • In between the two was an outhouse. A fence that bugs could easily walk beneath surrounded it all.
  • Inside, the farmer sat at a kitchen table reading a newspaper. He oddly looked like a younger version of the old man from the walking path.