Small Places : Nick L Belardes [124 of 128]

• "You ever met a soccer star?" he says. Before anyone answers he says, "Well now you've met Renaldo!" I thought the Beckham thing was bad.
• Renaldo is rugged, hairy, big-chinned, full of himself and supersized in the worst fast-food ways. Suddenly his chicken nugget eyes see me.
• "Wait," he says. He walks over as if I have been waiting my whole life for this moment. He's towering. "Have we met?" he says. Me: "No."
• "Perhaps I signed a soccer ball for you at a World Cup?" Me: "No." I notice he has Milt Butterlink hands. He loses interest, walks away.
• Mulani is close. "He's really wonderful," I say. She squints. "I wish you the best of luck with El Jumbo Fries," I add. She pulls me aside.
• Mulani: "I know what you're thinking." Me: "You do?" Mulani: "You think I'm shallow." Me: "You?" Mulani: "Yes."
• "You're not shallow," I say. "Well maybe you are. He, on the other hand, is only as deep as his chest hair."
• Mulani: "When I was in the hospital, he was the only one who came to visit." Me: "Did he bring you a signed soccer ball?"