Small Places : Nick L Belardes [57 of 128]

• Eighteen.
• Katie Starburn talks too much. Could be the drug-induced behavior. I don't know. Her train of thought is off the Richter Scale.
• She can't keep to any one topic. Here is someone who can hold conversations with actual Greek statues, park trees and photocopiers.
• I enjoy her rants and think she's fabulous and hilarious. She thrives on talking about sex and making the men around her nervous. Not me.
• "You know how many times me and Jake had sex this week? 12," she said.
• She also told me about orgasms and her girl's weekly clarinet lesson.
• Katie builds reports related to product development issues. She gets bored, wanders into the marketing department, says "Hi slick Willie."
• She especially likes Vishnu. Before she visits, she makes sure her breasts are half out of her blouse before
• asking him some inane question. She exits his cubicle and gives me the double thumbs up,
• letting me know that she's got something else up with Vishnu. I shake my head.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [56 of 128]

• Have you ever seen Joan's eyes if leftover pizza in the break room runs out before she gets to it?
• She will send a "You jerk" email for sure. I'm like Joan. In moments like these I realize corporate America was built for people like us.
• People who need the little things. I may never be a great ad writer. I may never get break room leftovers.
• But I will threaten hari-kari in my own personal Cubepocalypse. There’s always an office worker who leaves two hours early everyday and
• no one says a thing. At Buildicon her name is Marcia. Marcia stuffs marketing literature in boxes. Those boxes get sent to tradeshows.
• Mulani answers phone calls all day about how the boxes are stuffed wrong.
• Our manager, Milt Butterlink doesn’t care about the boxes. “Too far down the totem pole,” he says. Besides, Mulani will fix it.
• Often Marcia can be seen dropping what she’s doing and walking out the door. She has the attention span of Milt minus three brain cells.
• Yet, as I sit at my desk and fume about the unfairness of not being able to leave until 5:01, I can’t help but want to be Marcia.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [55 of 128]

• Milt: "I need to fire somebody." Me: "Fire yourself." Milt seems to contemplate that idea for a moment. His wooden fingers twitch.
• Me: "I'm not in the firing business." Milt: "I need a name." I admit I'm tempted. Kira de Frito, Joan...a toss up. They're both worthless.
• Milt insists on taking the department out to lunch so he can observe everyone in close proximity. He decides on a really bad Italian dive.
• Right away, Joan starts talking about her ailments because she thinks that's what you do when you gather for lunch with workmates.
• Mike gags. I'm ignoring the latest about her fragile kidneys. Instead I'm watching Milt who watches Mike build a tower of utensils and
• other objects. Joan: "It's the third time I've gone to the hospital for this infection." Milt stares at Mike's tower.
• Joan's eyes turn red with rage. Joan: "And in the middle of the night I can barely get to the toilet."
• Milt mutters under his breath: "C'mon, Mike!" Mulani giggles. The tower crashes and Milt looks sad. He turns to Joan.
• "What?" She storms off. Kira de Frito does too for no reason. Mike: "That was cool."
• Corporate America always seems in near riot over the trivial. I call it the "Cubepocalypse." We're always on the verge of one.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [54 of 128]

• Can't picture a Wookie among them can you? Or even among rebel fishhead telemarketers. Their cubicles would stink, but not like a Wookie.
• As bad is it might get with Clone Coffee Wars and hot babes decked in grey, I just can't picture Chewie stapling forms or designing ads.
• And in this case, practically running a company? Might as well buy into Milt's philosophy that the color red is a genuine disco ad theme.
• Shoot me now because Chewie has Milt imitating her cackle in some kind of corporate code that can only mean more work and less web surfing.
• Seventeen.
• Suddenly Milt trusts me. I don't think he trusts himself. He calls me into his office. "It's time for a talk," he says. The door closes.
• Milt: "I need to know about people." Me: "You're the manager." Milt: "Tell me about your coworkers. You seem to know them all." Me: "What?"
• I suddenly want back in my cubicle. No wonder dogs like kennels. There's a degree of solace when mindlessly thrown a bone while in a cave.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [53 of 128]

• I'm still frozen, though contemplating the Cubepocalypse flag when I'm suddenly awakened by a rare sighting of the Buildicon Bigfoot.
• It's Milt's boss. Imagine that hairy schoolgirl who always followed you home, becoming a corporate chief. Now imagine a big hairy salary.
• I hear her howl from four cubicles away. It's the kind of nervous laugh you'd expect from a Wookie having to hang out with low-life Jawas.
• For a moment I think Milt's wearing earplugs. I'd go pull them out myself if I weren't afraid all my missing antfarm ants would spill out.
• Milt and Chewie disappear into his office. Her voice pierces the walls as if it were a Swingline stapler laugh.
• I wonder what they're up to. The laugh of Milt's boss sounds like the real Chewbacca's howl, so I naturally think, "Blasphemy!"
• I consider dressing like one of the Huts. Now think about any great Star Wars office.
• Imagine Death Star cubicles with Palpatine hologram clocks. Clones all working the phones.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [52 of 128]

• Think about it. What do you want from your break room? Coffee consistency. I say that over and over in my paralysis: coffee consistency.
• Email: "All: Since our coffee service, "Get a Break" seems to have gotten a break from bringing us coffee stirrers, I have ordered some."
• This is what Buildicon Enterprise has come to... Plastic or wooden stirrers, generic or non-generic creamer. I can't take it. I'm frozen.
• Has the company secretary seen that many bad movies? Because she just wrote a line out of one. This is corporate America gone mad.
• The crazy idea that workers might revolt over not having their preferred java stirrers is almost enough to make me want to carry that flag!
• New "Don't Tread On Me" banner for the modern age: Green flag with white coffee cup in the middle surrounded by a square, er... cubicle.
• It's the common good of the corporate cubicle crowd. Slogan: "Decent coffee! Decent stirrers! Sturdy cups!" Chant it! God I need a latte...
• I wonder: Does every corporation eventually face their own Cubepocalypse? Workers expected to do the mundane revolt over something trivial.

Small Places : Nick L Belardes [51 of 128]

• She drove me home, unbuttoned her blouse and said, "They look real don't they? I need celery. I'm so organic. I don't even lift anymore..."
• She continued: “I was just too inhuman then. You know, all apple and no stem? Couldn’t see nothin’ but lumps I was so bloated everywhere.”
• She didn’t stop talking.
• "I had no neck. Now I eat sushi. I want to open a sushi bar but I'm afraid I might have to learn some Japanese. So, how are your apples?"
• I'll get back to the fabulous Katie Starburn. For the moment I'm locked in my cubicle, paralyzed. I think it's the email I just read.
• It's a coffee-related email sent to all Buildicon personnel. Apparently the secretary is on the fritz about coffee stirrers. Not good news.
• Like any cubicle worker, I think, "Don't mess with our coffee!" If there's a balance to corporate cubicle existence, coffee provides it.